Chapter Seven.

“Well, I couldn’t care more and you couldn’t care less
You ran a river through my eyes.”
--Goodbye Tomorrow

With the chill of winter coming closer, the wind blew Julian further away from me. He seemed to have changed just like the colors of the leaves and his vibrance, along with theirs, faded into the same brown as everything else. The Julian I knew was fading. His skin was gray just like everyone elses.

I began to feel unimportant in his life. The sensation it gave me was unbearable. I couldn’t stop it. I wanted to though, I really did. It all started with one girl. Julian had always been searching for love and when he couldn’t find it within our relationship… he moved on… as far away from me as possible.

Slowly emotions and unsaid words began to build up a wall between us. And over time, this wall began to develop into something much more than just a structure or a gap in our relationship. Our problem, or my problem I should say, had a name and a face.

He met Celia on the night of our homecoming. She was everything I wasn’t and everything he needed. Julian had changed drastically since the beginning of the school year, moving from dork to new kid to jock. I’m not sure where I went wrong… if I did. Of course I did. For me, watching him slip away from me to her was devistating. But it was out of my hands or atleast, that’s what I kept telling myself.

All of the undivided time that Julian had once spent with me, and only me, was slowly being ripped apart. Whether she meant to or not, I blamed Celia fully for everything that went wrong in my relationship with Julian. As he pushed me away, I tried to pull him closer. It was too late though. Sometimes I felt as if we were magnets. Our charges too similar to be close, our relationship occasionally patching itself together just to tease me with his touch before repelling us apart again.

Everytime we would hang out, complaints about Celia spewed out of Julian’s mouth. I couldn’t understand how someone could be interested in a girl that they could talk so much shit about. I told myself that I would never understand Julian but the truth is… I’m the only one who ever has.

One evening, late into January, the frost bit at my finger tips as I waited impatiently for him. He was late but it was no surprise. I had already prepared myself for this very situation.

I picked up my phone and dialed in his number. My fingers led the way, how could I forget a number once dialed so often? I couldn’t. That was the problem. I never could forget a single thing about Julian. The phone rang. Soon his voicemail picked up again. I slammed my phone shut. The ringing in my ear continued, even after I hung up.

It was freezing. It was 8:12. It was a waste of my time. I’d recently realized that every moment I spent waiting around for him was a waste of time. Nothing ever changed and I knew he wasn’t answering because he was with her. I became angrier than ever at the thought of that and suddenly a rush of warmth filled my insides. I opened my phone and tried again. Finally, he answered.

“…Hello?” his voice was a mixture between a pant and a whisper.

“Where are you? What’s going on?” I knew right then that I was going to go over the edge.

“What?… shit! What time is it!?” I could hear someone yell out to him in the background. “Fuck, I’m so sorry Libby!”

“Yeah, you usually are.” Another thing: he didn’t call me Libs anymore. I was never referred to as anything other than Libby. It might have been the new Julian telling me to fuck off in a subtle way, like taking back my nickname, but I wouldn’t admit that even if it was true.

“Oh gosh, don’t do this Libby. Come on, I’m sorry. I’m leaving now… Just give me a few minutes to walk.” He didn’t seem to be very sorry but I would take what I could get from Julian at this point. It all seemed so hopeless.

“Alright. See you.” But I didn’t really want to see him. I was angry and I knew that I had the right to be. It would have been one thing if this wasn’t reoccuring. Unfortunately, it was.

Not knowing what else to do with myself, my feet dragged me along to the edge of the sidewalk. But that wasn’t where I wanted to be at all. It would have been easier to just go home, this way atleast a bad situation could have been avoided. Of course it wasn’t though.

I felt a shadow towering over me. My heart began to drop and I couldn’t even speak. I could feel it. The breakdown was coming and I wasn’t prepared at all. Julian’s body slowly collapsed next to me until all I could see were his beautiful gray eyes. His scent captured my soul and for a moment I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. Was I going to lose him? Please God, don’t let that happen.

“I know you’re angry at me. You don’t have to say anything,” but he knew that I would say everything. My mind was a river and the thoughts flowing through it could not be dammed with a request of silence.

I couldn’t hold it back. The anger in the pit of my stomach made me feel naucious as I put my head into my hands. I needed to collect my thoughts but I just couldn’t. Maybe if I had…

“I can’t take this! I can’t fucking take this Julian! Where have you been?! What have I done to you? What has she done?! All I’ve done is been there for you in the past, we were always together. And now all of these changes! All of these fucking changes! I don’t want change Julian. I want you! I want my best friend back!” Words were spewing out of my mouth and they tangled as they were pushed out with my tongue. I almost kept going but instead, I looked up.

I’m not even sure if he was anywhere near comprehending anything I’d said. But to me, it didn’t matter. I was done giving out chances. I’d been on the waiting list to hang out with Julian ever since he met Celia. I wanted him to start yelling at me, or to get me to calm down. He was always so good at that. I wanted to calm down.

Unfortunately, my anger was untamable. I kneeded at my legs trying to penetrate the silence without actually speaking. Finally, he spoke, “There isn’t a whole lot that I can say… things are changing Libby, but it doesn’t mean we have to fall apart.”

“You haven’t made that apparent at all.” I was so angry, I couldn’t handle anything. I knew right then, that my relationship with Julian was quickly coming to an end. I knew right then, that it was inevitable as much as I may have wanted to avoid it.

“I don’t know what to do. I know that there’s nothing I can say that will make any of this better…” I began to open my mouth, but he stopped whatever was coming his way. “Just wait. Just give me a minute to get a word out.” I knew he was right. I knew that I had to atleast give him that chance.

“Libs, you’re my best friend. I love you so much. But I don’t love you in that way and maybe that’s why we’re growing apart. Not to say that I don’t still want to be around you, but I know how much Celia bothers you… I really like her, Libby. I’m adjusting…” He spoke softly and slowly as if each word slit his tongue like a shard of glass. He was being serious. I needed to absorb everything he was saying… but all I wanted to do was cry.

“I don’t think that I can call you my best friend like I used to Julian. But I would still love for you to be there. I need you to be there. I just wish that I could still count on you like I used to be able to.”

“But you can Libby. I’m still here… I’m still Julian.” He couldn’t have understood where I was coming from. I couldn’t expect him to. But maybe I was wrong, maybe Julian would stay with me. Or maybe, I let myself believe he would to lessen the harsh blow that would smash its way into my heart later on.