Chapter Five.

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone."
-Sara Bareilles

I had gone home a few hours after our intense moments together that night. I know you’re probably wondering what happened, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell you every detail of what went on after. Get your mind out of the gutter, nothing like that went on. Instead of leaving, I sat back down.

We talked. We said everything that had ever crossed our minds about each other, good and bad, since the day we met. I was surprised to find that Julian thought he wasn’t good enough for me. He said he thought I was beautiful and that I could do better than half of the guys I’ve ever been with. I’m not sure if he included himself and his kiss into that.

It felt so good to talk like that. To really tell him how I felt… I had never known that I was missing so much information about my best friend. Or maybe I had known, but I just never really thought it was necessary. I was wrong. Knowing more about him was the best decision I could’ve made.

Julian wasn’t a loud boy. He was quiet and sort of shy. The complete opposite of myself, but he was completely sincere. We got along easily and I had always felt comfortable with him. His blonde hair and gray eyes made him more than breath taking, but like I said, he was shy. He was a dork and I loved him for it. Hardly anyone could see through it but myself.

Julian and I were a great team. So great in fact, that I could never even think of ruining it with a relationship. All good things must come to an end; I know that. But I didn’t want our friendship to end like my relationship with Jason did. I never wanted to give Julian up, not in that moment and not for a long time. My head was where it should’ve been and as unstable as I was, I knew what was right and wrong. I knew that much for a while.

After leaving Julian’s I didn’t go home. I know that I should have, but my mind was still racing and I wasn’t ready to sleep. Instead, I walked past my house and just kept going. I didn’t have a destination, (not even a subconscious one). I just wanted to get lost.
In only 24 hours I had lost my boyfriend and kissed my best friend. In only 24 hours I had gone through more emotions than I had ever thought possible. In 24 hours you’ve ruined everything, Libby. I was creating a problem that I couldn’t even see.

The street seemed to move faster beneath my feet and the pavement got softer as my walk turned into a run. In that moment, there was no stopping me. As the cool night air hit my face I felt so good and so alive. Any grief I still had was leaving me slowly but surely and it eased its way off of my skin like sweat.

When I finally stopped running, I was in a small park near by our high school. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed in at night, but it was dark and I was alone and I didn’t care at all. The gates were wide open but they towered over me and in comparison I felt like an ant. Normally, I think that would have bothered me a bit more; except that, like I said… I didn’t care. So there I was, wondering around in a park at about one in the morning. I guess it was strange… I wasn’t really thinking about it too much.

I sat down on an overly inviting bench underneath a park lamp. Running my fingers back and forth across the ridges in the bench, I felt very together. Every bone in my body was completely unified and it was moving and working as one. My lungs held a steady breath and it felt so good just to be alone and in peace. I had thought I was alone, anyway.

The dark always seemed to taunt me when I was little, bringing back my biggest fears and strangling me with them. Not much had changed really, but I could keep myself calm. Or I could most of the time, anyway. Suddenly I noticed that I wasn’t as alone as I had thought. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure lying on a park bench next to me. I couldn’t fully make out if it was a boy or a girl, but “it” was wearing boyish clothes and looked to be about my age. I didn’t really know though. I hardly knew anything.

Panic overcame me like a tidal wave. I couldn’t outrun it although I was trying to. I got up and started running home again. I never dared to look back. Maybe if I had, things would be different today. If I had just collected myself and walked over to that bench and seen who it was and what they were doing… Maybe things would be different. There is nothing I can do now though, it’s time to let it go; All of it.

The shock and fear was still within me and kept me running until I reached my front door. When I got inside the shock began to wear off but the running had used up more energy than I even knew that I had. I don’t even think I really had energy to begin with. I think I was just afraid to go home and sleep. A part of me didn’t want tomorrow to come. If that night had never end, I wouldn’t have minded at all. But there was no stopping time.

Obnoxious sunrays heated up my room with their morning light. They pushed me back and forth through my bed frustrating me until I decided just to get up. It was early, I was tired and I was still thinking about what I had seen last night. It’s not that what I saw was scary… because honestly, it wasn’t at all. It was just completely unexpected, even though it probably should have been because strange things always happen to me. I hoped that boy was okay. For some reason, he wouldn’t leave my head. Now, I wish he had.

Chapter Four.

“By the way your hands were shaking, I’d rather waste my time with you.”
-The Used

The morning came slower than I had hoped and it seemed as if I laid awake in bed forever. I focused my eyes on the clock. It was 10:36. I had planned to be up by 10:30 but I was always too late. Of course, I had adapted to this feeling of lateness and learned to live with it. I repositioned myself, attempting to comfort all the discomfort inside my chest. The attempt was a failure. There was no way to avoid this feeling, but it was hardest to admit. I got up out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, with my eyes still red and cheeks still puffy. I was just as disgusting anytime of day, but it seemed to bother me most now.

A rush of warmth filled my cheeks and I wanted to scream. But instead I let out a yawn and turned away from the mirror. I rinsed off my cheeks with cool water, turned on the shower and took off my clothes. I preferred to let the mirror fog up before I took them off. I would do anything to avoid seeing myself, especially all of me. There was this terrible feeling it gave me and my appearance mattered more to me than it should have. There seemed to be no one that could make me feel beautiful.

But that was my loss. My loss and my error. I should’ve realized that I was the only one who could make myself happy, only I couldn’t because I was too shallow and naïve to see it. It’s sad. It really is. I love the world so much –everything has beauty. You’ve just got to look for it. It isn’t real if you don’t have to find it. Of course, there is always the obvious. A body filled with sleek curves and beautiful features. Is it truly beautiful? Or is it just a perception? I won’t get technical on you. All I’m trying to say is that… we are filled with thoughts of a stereotypical beauty. Well what about the rest of us? Are we not beautiful? I think we are. Now I do, anyway.

I got out of the shower. Much like the mirror, my mind was still foggy. It was twisted with images of last night. Visions of my future without the one I “loved”. There was still something inside me though, telling me to forget it and continue with my life. It was not a waste of my time. Oh, but my heart felt it was, believe me.

Not sure what to do with myself, I threw on anything I could find and left the house. I was walking faster than ever and with no destination. Or maybe, I knew where I was going all along.
When I reached his front door, I hesitated. I had no idea how I’d gotten there. And with a frightful knock on the door, a few seconds passed me by… and there he was. Comforting as ever and seemingly expecting of my company.

“What took you so long?” he asked.

I smiled back at him, “I had to take a shower.” This made him laugh. Which made me exceptionally happy.

Not many more words were exchanged between us. He knew what I needed from him, as my best friend. He knew I wouldn’t be up to talking… But what he really knew was that I was uneasy. He knew it wasn’t love. I knew it wasn’t love. I just couldn’t admit that to myself. Not so soon after the shock. After a few hours with Julian, I’d be quite all right.

The daylight fell to darkness and I could feel myself aching again. One day. Only one day had passed but it seemed like a lifetime ago. The pain was still too much to bear.

“I think I should get going,” I said, jumping up suddenly.

Julian seemed confused by my sudden urge to leave, but responded anyway, “Alright. Are you gonna be okay Lib?”

It took me longer than it probably should have to answer this question. I looked at him. I looked through him. And then, I looked into his gray eyes. They seemed different. As if they were saying something. But what they were saying, I couldn’t decipher. “I’ll have to be,” and with that foolish answer, I pressed myself close to him. He did something I never thought he would.

His lips were warm against mine. What now? I pulled away and looked at him. With my hand on his cheek, his golden blonde hair and soft skin seemed so right. Or was this my way of forgetting? Remember to forget, Libby... Forget to remember.
He took my hand from his cheek and I held it tight.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was…”

“Julian, it’s okay. It’s okay. I love you.” But he knew I didn’t mean it the way I wanted him to. I knew I never could. I wasn’t sure what to do. I loved him, he was my best friend. He was everything. He was Julian. The world wasn’t right without him. Or my world wasn’t, anyway.

“Yeah. I love you too. Um… so I guess you gotta get going?” I know he was asking me; he wouldn’t kick me out of his house. Although in a way, I felt that it was more of a statement. It was awkward, I will admit. Somehow, I still felt that the moment was freeing. Freeing of my problems, of my emotions, of my lost “love”.

“Right. I will. I do. Yeah, I do…” I kissed him back. He deserved it. He wanted it. I wanted it. And now, I know I did. It was still too soon though: too soon for kisses, too soon for more emotions, too soon for more confusion.

He let go of my hand and that was it. Our moment was gone –but not for forever. We would have another one, if we were meant to, in time. “You didn’t have to –I mean I know… you…” He knew I shouldn’t have kissed him back. He also knew I wanted to. Julian knew everything.

Chapter Three.

“Put the receiver to your chest and let me know who loves you best.”
-The Blood Brothers

“Libby?” his voice was soft and as it gently sang to me I began to cry. Soon it was unstoppable.

“Lib? Are you okay?”

“I…,” I wiped my eyes with the sheets of my bed. “I think so Jules,” Trying to get thoughts together was hard, but getting out words was the hardest part of all. “I’ll be alright.”

Just hearing Julian breathe was comforting. I couldn’t think of anything more I wanted right now than to take a walk with him. We’d always go on these walks, not even knowing where we were headed. Just knowing that whereever it was, it was together. Now don’t get me wrong, Julian was one of my favorite people in the world. He was my confidant and my crying shoulder. But I wasn’t interested in him like that because I could never imagine losing this friendship. Even just thinking about it scared me so much.

“I’m here for you Libs.” His sincerity was more than I could process at the time.
I tried to tell him how happy I was that I had him; that I couldn’t have made it through anything without him. But the only thing I could say was about myself.

“It’s over Julian. Everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t know.”
I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down a little. It wasn’t easy and my lungs felt as if they were collapsing. I stared up at my ceiling from beneath my covers and I knew I was safe. No matter what had happened tonight, I was safe in my bed and I was safe with Jules.

“Libby, don’t do this to yourself,” He sounded so desperate and out of breath; as if he had just gone through the same thing.

“You couldn’t understand. It’s my fault Julian. It is. It doesn’t matter which way you see it. It’s all the same. I do this to myself time and time again.” My sentences were so poorly put together. They cut through my lips and made me feel weak.

If there is one thing in the world that I cannot stand, it is to feel impotent. I am a human with approximately 206 bones and over 10 trillion cells. I’m pretty much the same as you, give or take a few inches, motives, and genes. And so I’m always thinking to myself, how could you let this get you down? Because if you are so much like everyone else, why aren’t you stronger than this? I think the part about that, that disappoints me the most, is that I can’t answer the questions. I don’t even know.

Julian was growing as restless as my thoughts. Although, I knew he’d stay if I wanted him to. I could hear him breathe and it kept me steady but it wasn’t enough of a reason to keep him on the phone. It wasn’t enough of a reason to keep him feeling sorry for me.

“Elizabeth. Take a deep breath. I’ll do it with you.” Childish as it seemed, he would always tell me to. He knew how much it helped me to calm down. He also knew that I would never do it alone. He knew a lot about me.

“Okay… Yeah, alright.” I filled my lungs as much as I could.

As I released the air, I tried to picture everything bad escaping. I tried to release my thoughts of Jason and the words we screamed. It made me fall apart. I was exasperated and overwhelmed with everything. My thoughts spun around me faster than I could see. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath.

“Libby, I’ll always be here. I’m glad you called me,” I knew he really was glad. But I’m sure he was somewhat happy it was over with Jason and me. I couldn’t blame him. Part of me was too. The other part would need a few days.

“I love you Jules. Thank you so much. I think I’m gonna try to sleep now…” the sadness in my voice was more obvious than I wanted it to be.

“You sure you’ll be okay Lib? I don’t have to go,”

“Yeah, I think I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Libby. Feel better.”

I closed my phone and tucked it beneath my pillow. I turned onto my stomach, smothering my face in the mattress. In some way, it was comforting. As if there was just me and this mattress. Nothing else. No problems, no fears… no regrets and no tears. But I couldn’t help at wonder why I felt like there were so many problems. There was just one and now it was gone.

Gone… I started to feel sick. I curled up into a ball and pulled the sheets around me. I closed my eyes again in hopes everything would go away, even if only for the night.

Chapter Two.

“I know that I heard this is only for the best. There’s no use in getting mad over goodbyes.”
-Jimmy Robbins

The door was cool against my back. I wiped the last few tears from my cheek and held myself closely. I was my own best friend right then. It was too late to worry about emotions anyway. I was too tired to even think straight. In the morning, this would all seem like a dream.

I inched my way up the staircase. My parents weren’t home yet. Thank God because I wasn’t up for explaining why my face was red and I was so exhausted. I opened the door to my room, kicked off my shoes and got in bed as quickly as my body would allow. It was so quiet. The darkness of my room calmed me more than it ever had before. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure how. Usually, I hate the dark. But tonight it was different. It was better.

I’d like to think that after all the years of crying because of the darkness, that I had made peace with it. I used to cry because I’d see things in the dark. Right now, that was what I wanted most. I strained my eyes a bit looking for pixels in the shadows. For a moment I convinced myself they were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. And maybe they were.

I wasn’t sure how I felt. I was too disoriented to figure out what had really happened and why. It wasn’t worth it to me. Not many things were. It’s because I couldn’t change a thing, I guess.
My skin was hot but inside I was freezing and I couldn’t help my wanting to scream. But just thinking about all the energy it would take made me tired. So I took a deep breath instead and closed my eyes.

I let myself remember all of the things I loved. It wasn’t easy. Not that I could assume it would be. But for a moment I missed Jason. I did. I really wasn’t sure why. Nothing had been good recently. But in the beginning we were in it together. Everything seemed perfect and I never thought it would end. It was what I had always wanted.

By the end, he was still floating and I was falling. There was nothing left for me to hold onto. Maybe he knew, and didn’t want to let me go. I pulled away from him with everything I had left. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

So I guess you can say I asked for my own unhappiness. You can say there’s no use in feeling sorry for myself because it’s my fault anyway. And you’re right. It is my fault. But I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t think I ever could. I can’t regret the things I’ve done because at one point they were exactly what I wanted. And I know that is so cliché because there have been a million people that have said that. But a million more are looking for those exact same words to part their lips. I don’t blame them. It’s the truth. Every action we take, we want at that very moment in time. We do what is best for ourselves.

I felt stable. More than I had felt in the last month or so. All that had kept me in that relationship was fear. Not fear of being beaten or being hurt, but fear of losing what meant more to me than I knew. He was gone now and it wasn’t so scary, after all. I faded in and out of sleep and I wasn’t sure when I was dreaming and when I was reminiscing. I listened to the beat of my own heart and noticed the precision in my breath. The human body really was a beautiful song. A song that isn’t stuck on repeat but plays over again because it is so greatly appreciated.

Listening is one of the greatest things in the world. Without my ears I feel like I would be a waste: a waste of a body, a waste of a friendship. So many people count on me to just hear them out because no one else will. Not to preach to you the problems of the world. It’s just that… There are over 6 billion people in the world. And out of those 6 billion, not that many aren’t self-centered. Maybe I’m crazy but I love listening to people and the way they’re feeling.

It helps me feel like I’m okay. Like I won’t ever be alone because no matter where I am there’s always someone who is going through the exact same thing. To be able to be related to is a gift and we shouldn’t push it away. We’re born alone and we die alone. While we’re alive we might as well relate. Life is funny that way.

We search for simplicity but we’re always creating complexity just by the thoughts we think. And it’s impossible to ever escape it because there will always be something else to think about. The greatest power is innocence. Once you know too much, you’ve been tainted. And once you’ve been tainted, you have an effected point of view. It simply isn’t fair.

Someone is always sculpting us and the way we think. Although we try to be our own person, someone has molded us that way. Someone has made us want to be ourselves, right? If I think too much I go mad. It’s because I start to get paranoid I think. Maybe it’s because I get too serious about the things I’m passionate for. I hate when people don’t stand up for things though. It just shows as a sign of weakness. I hate feeling weak and being weak.

I was tired of sitting in silence. I reached up behind me and felt around for my cell phone. I opened it up and scanned the phonebook. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to hear his voice. Which I guess is stupid, but he made me feel so good. I waited for the ring to pierce my ear. Suprisingly, there was no delay. He didn’t always answer on the first ring, not even the first call. But tonight it was different. It was better.

Chapter One.

“They say quitters never win, and we walk the plank on a sinking ship. There’s a world outside of my front door that gets off on being down.”
-- Fall Out Boy

His foot slammed on the break at the sight of the light changing to red. As if he didn’t realize that yellow meant slow down. "Slow down, slow down..." I kept whispering to myself, thinking maybe he’d understand. Wishing he’d just turn off the car and tell me he’s sorry. Or even just tell me that he still cares.

“Fuck it! Just fuck everything!” he screamed into the windshield. But the only one that could hear him was me.

I could see him slowly breaking down; the sadness in his eyes was too much for me to watch. I couldn’t stand to disappoint him like I do. I don’t mean to. Every tear that rolled off my cheek, was just another second gone by. It turned into a way to keep track of time, knowing this would all be over soon.

I knew he was waiting for me to fight him, for me to burst out and say something that would send him over the edge. Waiting for it, as if it was an angry routine we’d go through. In a way, it was. Because everything that has happened tonight, we’ve gone through a million times before.

Tonight will be the last time I can stomach this pain. I am my own demon. I ruined a lot for myself, but I guess that’s obvious. He was all I had. I sacrificed so much for one boy, and for what? A mere heartbreak, a week filled with lonely nights crying to the ceiling.

The biggest mistake I always make, is to go into a relationship thinking about the break up. Just knowing that it will end. I guess that’s my way of telling myself that he’s not the right one. I don’t really know what it’ll feel like when it is the right boy, but I’m sure it’ll be a hell of a lot better than this.

The rain over powered my thoughts, pulling me back into reality. I looked over at Jason, and then back out the window. I wasn’t sure where we were, but there was a vague familiar feeling that it gave me. Jason’s eyes were sparkling; I had never seen him cry before.

As he pulled over the car, I began to feel immune to my sadness. Like it was no big deal and it wasn’t, I guess.

“Jason, I didn't mean to.” I could feel myself whispering into his ear. Funny thing is, I don’t even know what I did this time. I put my head on his shoulder. I was waiting for him to put his arm around me, like he always does. To tell me that everything is okay, because it is and it will be. But he didn’t budge.

“You never mean to do anything.” He rested his forehead against the steering wheel. We sat in silence, but I was thinking of something to say.

“…Libby, I cared about you. But I don’t know what to do anymore! You and I, we both know it’s time to let go. This is all so old. These fights…everything.” He was referring to our year long, on and off, relationship.

“Yeah.” I had a hard time trying not to break down.

“I don’t know how else to tell it.”

“What do you want me to say? I knew this was coming? It’s all my fault? I’m sorry?”

“It’s not your fault. I don’t know.” He remained speechless, but his eyes told me otherwise.
I was one with the rain, and the rain was one with me. We danced together gracefully, and there was no one but us. It calmed me a little, knowing that I wasn’t the only one crying that night.
I lifted my head up off of Jason’s shoulder. There’s something about him. The way he speaks, he could make you believe anything. He knew it too. He used it in such a way, that he could persuade anyone to do anything he wanted them to.

A feeling of betrayal struck me out of nowhere. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly it was all I felt. How could he leave me like this? Why do I always mess up? Why can’t he just tell me he’s joking already? I couldn’t help feeling like all I’d done was fail.

He looked down at me and then out at the street. His cheeks shimmered under the moonlight. I wanted to reach out for his hand to show him that I would always care, but I just couldn’t. Maybe if I had, it would have changed everything.

“I’d better get you home.” He spoke with such a stern voice that for a moment, I’d forgotten who he was.

He waited for me to say something back, but I wasn’t focused enough to get my words together. I pressed my cheek to the glass. My breath was hitting the window, and then dissipating. In and out, in and out, watching my breath was the only thing that reassured my existence. My heart sank to the floor.

The car pulled up in front of my house. I pulled myself together and took one last glance at what I used to call love. I stroked his cheek gently, and I looked straight into his eyes.

“I don’t feel a thing.” As the words left my lips, they scared even me.

I got up out of the car, and closed the door tightly. And as if my break up wasn’t cliché enough, I put my arms out and looked up into the sky. The rain welcomed me home.

((Chapter Two is on it's way.
share your hearts with everyone. love, sierra.))