Chapter Three.

“Put the receiver to your chest and let me know who loves you best.”
-The Blood Brothers

“Libby?” his voice was soft and as it gently sang to me I began to cry. Soon it was unstoppable.

“Lib? Are you okay?”

“I…,” I wiped my eyes with the sheets of my bed. “I think so Jules,” Trying to get thoughts together was hard, but getting out words was the hardest part of all. “I’ll be alright.”

Just hearing Julian breathe was comforting. I couldn’t think of anything more I wanted right now than to take a walk with him. We’d always go on these walks, not even knowing where we were headed. Just knowing that whereever it was, it was together. Now don’t get me wrong, Julian was one of my favorite people in the world. He was my confidant and my crying shoulder. But I wasn’t interested in him like that because I could never imagine losing this friendship. Even just thinking about it scared me so much.

“I’m here for you Libs.” His sincerity was more than I could process at the time.
I tried to tell him how happy I was that I had him; that I couldn’t have made it through anything without him. But the only thing I could say was about myself.

“It’s over Julian. Everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t know.”
I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down a little. It wasn’t easy and my lungs felt as if they were collapsing. I stared up at my ceiling from beneath my covers and I knew I was safe. No matter what had happened tonight, I was safe in my bed and I was safe with Jules.

“Libby, don’t do this to yourself,” He sounded so desperate and out of breath; as if he had just gone through the same thing.

“You couldn’t understand. It’s my fault Julian. It is. It doesn’t matter which way you see it. It’s all the same. I do this to myself time and time again.” My sentences were so poorly put together. They cut through my lips and made me feel weak.

If there is one thing in the world that I cannot stand, it is to feel impotent. I am a human with approximately 206 bones and over 10 trillion cells. I’m pretty much the same as you, give or take a few inches, motives, and genes. And so I’m always thinking to myself, how could you let this get you down? Because if you are so much like everyone else, why aren’t you stronger than this? I think the part about that, that disappoints me the most, is that I can’t answer the questions. I don’t even know.

Julian was growing as restless as my thoughts. Although, I knew he’d stay if I wanted him to. I could hear him breathe and it kept me steady but it wasn’t enough of a reason to keep him on the phone. It wasn’t enough of a reason to keep him feeling sorry for me.

“Elizabeth. Take a deep breath. I’ll do it with you.” Childish as it seemed, he would always tell me to. He knew how much it helped me to calm down. He also knew that I would never do it alone. He knew a lot about me.

“Okay… Yeah, alright.” I filled my lungs as much as I could.

As I released the air, I tried to picture everything bad escaping. I tried to release my thoughts of Jason and the words we screamed. It made me fall apart. I was exasperated and overwhelmed with everything. My thoughts spun around me faster than I could see. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath.

“Libby, I’ll always be here. I’m glad you called me,” I knew he really was glad. But I’m sure he was somewhat happy it was over with Jason and me. I couldn’t blame him. Part of me was too. The other part would need a few days.

“I love you Jules. Thank you so much. I think I’m gonna try to sleep now…” the sadness in my voice was more obvious than I wanted it to be.

“You sure you’ll be okay Lib? I don’t have to go,”

“Yeah, I think I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Libby. Feel better.”

I closed my phone and tucked it beneath my pillow. I turned onto my stomach, smothering my face in the mattress. In some way, it was comforting. As if there was just me and this mattress. Nothing else. No problems, no fears… no regrets and no tears. But I couldn’t help at wonder why I felt like there were so many problems. There was just one and now it was gone.

Gone… I started to feel sick. I curled up into a ball and pulled the sheets around me. I closed my eyes again in hopes everything would go away, even if only for the night.