Chapter Two.

“I know that I heard this is only for the best. There’s no use in getting mad over goodbyes.”
-Jimmy Robbins

The door was cool against my back. I wiped the last few tears from my cheek and held myself closely. I was my own best friend right then. It was too late to worry about emotions anyway. I was too tired to even think straight. In the morning, this would all seem like a dream.

I inched my way up the staircase. My parents weren’t home yet. Thank God because I wasn’t up for explaining why my face was red and I was so exhausted. I opened the door to my room, kicked off my shoes and got in bed as quickly as my body would allow. It was so quiet. The darkness of my room calmed me more than it ever had before. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure how. Usually, I hate the dark. But tonight it was different. It was better.

I’d like to think that after all the years of crying because of the darkness, that I had made peace with it. I used to cry because I’d see things in the dark. Right now, that was what I wanted most. I strained my eyes a bit looking for pixels in the shadows. For a moment I convinced myself they were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. And maybe they were.

I wasn’t sure how I felt. I was too disoriented to figure out what had really happened and why. It wasn’t worth it to me. Not many things were. It’s because I couldn’t change a thing, I guess.
My skin was hot but inside I was freezing and I couldn’t help my wanting to scream. But just thinking about all the energy it would take made me tired. So I took a deep breath instead and closed my eyes.

I let myself remember all of the things I loved. It wasn’t easy. Not that I could assume it would be. But for a moment I missed Jason. I did. I really wasn’t sure why. Nothing had been good recently. But in the beginning we were in it together. Everything seemed perfect and I never thought it would end. It was what I had always wanted.

By the end, he was still floating and I was falling. There was nothing left for me to hold onto. Maybe he knew, and didn’t want to let me go. I pulled away from him with everything I had left. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

So I guess you can say I asked for my own unhappiness. You can say there’s no use in feeling sorry for myself because it’s my fault anyway. And you’re right. It is my fault. But I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t think I ever could. I can’t regret the things I’ve done because at one point they were exactly what I wanted. And I know that is so cliché because there have been a million people that have said that. But a million more are looking for those exact same words to part their lips. I don’t blame them. It’s the truth. Every action we take, we want at that very moment in time. We do what is best for ourselves.

I felt stable. More than I had felt in the last month or so. All that had kept me in that relationship was fear. Not fear of being beaten or being hurt, but fear of losing what meant more to me than I knew. He was gone now and it wasn’t so scary, after all. I faded in and out of sleep and I wasn’t sure when I was dreaming and when I was reminiscing. I listened to the beat of my own heart and noticed the precision in my breath. The human body really was a beautiful song. A song that isn’t stuck on repeat but plays over again because it is so greatly appreciated.

Listening is one of the greatest things in the world. Without my ears I feel like I would be a waste: a waste of a body, a waste of a friendship. So many people count on me to just hear them out because no one else will. Not to preach to you the problems of the world. It’s just that… There are over 6 billion people in the world. And out of those 6 billion, not that many aren’t self-centered. Maybe I’m crazy but I love listening to people and the way they’re feeling.

It helps me feel like I’m okay. Like I won’t ever be alone because no matter where I am there’s always someone who is going through the exact same thing. To be able to be related to is a gift and we shouldn’t push it away. We’re born alone and we die alone. While we’re alive we might as well relate. Life is funny that way.

We search for simplicity but we’re always creating complexity just by the thoughts we think. And it’s impossible to ever escape it because there will always be something else to think about. The greatest power is innocence. Once you know too much, you’ve been tainted. And once you’ve been tainted, you have an effected point of view. It simply isn’t fair.

Someone is always sculpting us and the way we think. Although we try to be our own person, someone has molded us that way. Someone has made us want to be ourselves, right? If I think too much I go mad. It’s because I start to get paranoid I think. Maybe it’s because I get too serious about the things I’m passionate for. I hate when people don’t stand up for things though. It just shows as a sign of weakness. I hate feeling weak and being weak.

I was tired of sitting in silence. I reached up behind me and felt around for my cell phone. I opened it up and scanned the phonebook. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to hear his voice. Which I guess is stupid, but he made me feel so good. I waited for the ring to pierce my ear. Suprisingly, there was no delay. He didn’t always answer on the first ring, not even the first call. But tonight it was different. It was better.