Chapter Five.

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone."
-Sara Bareilles

I had gone home a few hours after our intense moments together that night. I know you’re probably wondering what happened, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell you every detail of what went on after. Get your mind out of the gutter, nothing like that went on. Instead of leaving, I sat back down.

We talked. We said everything that had ever crossed our minds about each other, good and bad, since the day we met. I was surprised to find that Julian thought he wasn’t good enough for me. He said he thought I was beautiful and that I could do better than half of the guys I’ve ever been with. I’m not sure if he included himself and his kiss into that.

It felt so good to talk like that. To really tell him how I felt… I had never known that I was missing so much information about my best friend. Or maybe I had known, but I just never really thought it was necessary. I was wrong. Knowing more about him was the best decision I could’ve made.

Julian wasn’t a loud boy. He was quiet and sort of shy. The complete opposite of myself, but he was completely sincere. We got along easily and I had always felt comfortable with him. His blonde hair and gray eyes made him more than breath taking, but like I said, he was shy. He was a dork and I loved him for it. Hardly anyone could see through it but myself.

Julian and I were a great team. So great in fact, that I could never even think of ruining it with a relationship. All good things must come to an end; I know that. But I didn’t want our friendship to end like my relationship with Jason did. I never wanted to give Julian up, not in that moment and not for a long time. My head was where it should’ve been and as unstable as I was, I knew what was right and wrong. I knew that much for a while.

After leaving Julian’s I didn’t go home. I know that I should have, but my mind was still racing and I wasn’t ready to sleep. Instead, I walked past my house and just kept going. I didn’t have a destination, (not even a subconscious one). I just wanted to get lost.
In only 24 hours I had lost my boyfriend and kissed my best friend. In only 24 hours I had gone through more emotions than I had ever thought possible. In 24 hours you’ve ruined everything, Libby. I was creating a problem that I couldn’t even see.

The street seemed to move faster beneath my feet and the pavement got softer as my walk turned into a run. In that moment, there was no stopping me. As the cool night air hit my face I felt so good and so alive. Any grief I still had was leaving me slowly but surely and it eased its way off of my skin like sweat.

When I finally stopped running, I was in a small park near by our high school. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed in at night, but it was dark and I was alone and I didn’t care at all. The gates were wide open but they towered over me and in comparison I felt like an ant. Normally, I think that would have bothered me a bit more; except that, like I said… I didn’t care. So there I was, wondering around in a park at about one in the morning. I guess it was strange… I wasn’t really thinking about it too much.

I sat down on an overly inviting bench underneath a park lamp. Running my fingers back and forth across the ridges in the bench, I felt very together. Every bone in my body was completely unified and it was moving and working as one. My lungs held a steady breath and it felt so good just to be alone and in peace. I had thought I was alone, anyway.

The dark always seemed to taunt me when I was little, bringing back my biggest fears and strangling me with them. Not much had changed really, but I could keep myself calm. Or I could most of the time, anyway. Suddenly I noticed that I wasn’t as alone as I had thought. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure lying on a park bench next to me. I couldn’t fully make out if it was a boy or a girl, but “it” was wearing boyish clothes and looked to be about my age. I didn’t really know though. I hardly knew anything.

Panic overcame me like a tidal wave. I couldn’t outrun it although I was trying to. I got up and started running home again. I never dared to look back. Maybe if I had, things would be different today. If I had just collected myself and walked over to that bench and seen who it was and what they were doing… Maybe things would be different. There is nothing I can do now though, it’s time to let it go; All of it.

The shock and fear was still within me and kept me running until I reached my front door. When I got inside the shock began to wear off but the running had used up more energy than I even knew that I had. I don’t even think I really had energy to begin with. I think I was just afraid to go home and sleep. A part of me didn’t want tomorrow to come. If that night had never end, I wouldn’t have minded at all. But there was no stopping time.

Obnoxious sunrays heated up my room with their morning light. They pushed me back and forth through my bed frustrating me until I decided just to get up. It was early, I was tired and I was still thinking about what I had seen last night. It’s not that what I saw was scary… because honestly, it wasn’t at all. It was just completely unexpected, even though it probably should have been because strange things always happen to me. I hoped that boy was okay. For some reason, he wouldn’t leave my head. Now, I wish he had.